I’m a huge movie fan. I watch them for more than just a storyline. Studying theatre (drama) in school, we were taught to look at casting choices, lighting, editing, and most importantly for me, relatability. You can’t market a story that no one will care about. We’re touched by things we’ve experienced whether it be personal or something through proximity via a close friend or relative. Many times, despite the genre of a movie, thriller, action, comedy, there is some love story, even if it’s in the background. Love is a commonality for us and we’ve all been associated with at least the idea of it, felt it or witnessed it. This can be the love of a parent, a mate, a friend, etc. When I saw the previews for the book turned movie, “The Fault In Our Stars,” I was immediately intrigued. One critic called it “the greatest love story in ten years.” Being a writer and a person who loves love, I knew I had to see it. Obviously, I cried. A lot. Lol. Anywhoo, many things in the story stood out to me, including the fact that these two teenagers were incredibly witty, articulate, passionate, and all around intriguing and likable characters. But the most significant part for me was this…but wait, if you haven’t seen the movie and you want to, let me say [SPOILER ALERT BELOW]:
Hazel, the main character, a 16 year old cancer patient begins attending a support group and subsequently falls deeply in love with another cancer patient, 17 year old Augustus. They clearly have their illnesses in common, but more importantly, they simply clicked. The way we all want to click, to just be able to “BE” with someone. Overtime, they develop a love affair and Augustus finds out his cancer is worse than ever. He eventually dies [insert waterworks]. The day of the funeral, Hazel has a flashback from when she was about 6 years old, to a Doctor asking her to rate her pain on a scale of 1-10. Hazel held up 9 fingers. The Doctor tells Hazel she’s a very strong girl. She remembers thinking, she wasn’t really that strong, but that she was saving her 10 for an inexplicable pain. And that pain for her, was Augustus’ death, not like any physical pain she’d ever felt. I related to that for many reasons. I always talk and write about experience and how crucial it is to have them and more importantly to learn from them. But somethings are so gut wrenching and so life changing that everyone dreads the day something like that may happen to them.
Being empathetic, for me is an extremely necessary tool in life. As human beings, we are relational. To connect with people, even if you can’t relate to their pain, is what breeds kindness. I’ve never experienced the death of a romantic partner, but I have a friend who has and the day I got that phone call, my heart broke for her. In fact, at that time, I hadn’t lost anyone close for quite a while. But still I got it; I understood. Fast forward to now, I’ve lost my Mother and I’ve realized I’m even more empathetic to death. It’s odd, because the reverse of that is this….I think losing her was my 10. At least up until this point. So now, it takes a lot for me to get that emotional. I cry a lot less. I care about things differently. I think the way I exert my energy has changed. And sometimes I wonder if I’m emotionally numb. I’ve had 4 family members pass away in the year and a half since my Mom died. Not that I wasn’t sad, because I was and still am when I think of them, but it’s almost created a space in my brain to just be “prepared.” Kinda like ready for whatever may be next. I also know people who have lost family members or friends and it increases their fear of commitment. It’s almost as if they’re afraid to get attached because they may lose them too.
So what’s your 10? Do you have one? Most of us do. It’s not always one specific kind of pain. Perhaps it’s been a major financial deficit; a foreclosure. Maybe a detrimental heartbreak; a divorce. A life altering accident or illness. The death of someone close. Sometimes we hide the pain (oftentimes subconsciously) or we shift the energy into something else. Life will regularly throw you lemons, but what are you going to do with them? You can get angry; throw them at other people who are dealing with their own pain OR you can do what our Grandmommas taught us and make lemonade. Hell, if it gets really tough, add a little bit of Ciroc and keep going. Lol. Learn from it. Maybe even help someone else who’s dealing with the same thing. One other line from the movie that was highly significant to me was, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” Meaning it’s not going anywhere until you deal with it. Going numb for a little while can be good depending on the situation, but know you can’t really “deal” with something you keep sweeping under the rug. Some of us are taught that it’s a coping mechanism, but trust me, the pot always boils over and in many instances, it’s at the wrong time, in the wrong place. And think of it like this, if you can look a level 10 pain in the face and bounce back from it, you can do anything. Anything. …just a little something I’m working on.
Until next week Dolls!
XoXo #SGSG,
-@lorealdanee
